I have said to God that I don't want to have too much or too little. I don't want to become so successful that I leave my faith behind but I also don't want to become nothing and grovel in disgust at my Creator. I know that He gives me exactly what I need but I find that I also need to vocalize it too. My fleshly side is just so stinking weak! My niece refers to being truly human as "humanlyness" and you know I have been using this as the perfect mental picture for myself.
Case in point, I was talking to my mother the other day and I told her that I couldn't take one more failure that day. I had all these good intentions and tried to jam pack my day and weekend with way more than my "humanlyness" could handle and then when it all came crashing down I sat there mad at all my fails. I started thinking, "Hey Lord, why so many fails today?"
Then He whispered "Why are you trying to be in control?" I felt like a complete FOOL. I felt like what I imagine the disciples must have felt when they were supposed to wait and pray in the garden of Gethsemane and instead fell asleep. (Matthew 26:36-46) EVERY time I hear that story it makes me hate my "humanlyness" I want to be there for Jesus but I know that I would have fallen asleep too.
Everyday I want to love Jesus but everyday I fall short and the harder I try the bigger I fail. I know He allows me to go through this because I need reminded daily of my "humanlyness". I cannot do this on my own. In fact no human was created to do it alone. Instead, God in His infinite mercy gave us the Holy Spirit to guide us and allow us to lean on Him. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
One of my favorite Hyms is I Need Thee Every Hour particular sung by Joey+Rory
The truth is I never want to not need the Lord. Today if you find your self sick with fails and just being caught up in your own "humanlyness" lean on Jesus. He is EVERYTHING you need!